Bad Mama

Where I attempt to explain
August 27, 2009, 12:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve been wanting to post here for a while now, but have been stuck for what to say. Not because nothing has gone on, oh no. But how to explain it, mostly, has been the sticking point.

Big Daddy and I have been having some problems with our relationship, and we’ve had some big financial issues as well. We are, well, sort of seperated. It was hard to write when I felt like there was so little that was positive going on.

The reasons for the seperation aren’t really important, except to say it isn’t because he’s some giant asshole. I still love him more than any man in the world, and we want to make things work out. It’s just going to take a while, if it works at all. I’ve been feeling so tremendously guilty about this. If I am willing to die for my children, why can’t I manage to simply get along with their father so that they have an intact family? I know it’s not that simple, but it seems like two people who love each other and want to be together ought to be able to get it together and do just that. Peanut tells us we just need to get along. “Just stop fighting” is her advice.

Outside of this, we are doing well. Peanut is starting Kindergarten next week, and is very excited. She has met some of the other kids that will be in her class, and the girls like princesses as much as she does, so she’s raring to go. Squirt is thriving. She loves to dance, can count to ten, and is learning her letters. She still prefers to sleep with a book over a stuffed animal most of the time. The girls adore each other 98% of the time, and are a treat to watch. When I get some photos uploaded, I will post them. Because that’s what everyone is here for, right?

I don’t know what direction this blog will take now. I don’t feel like airing my marital dirty laundry to the world, but that’s kind of what my life is about now. It feels odd to not share something that is affecting us so dramatically. But I also feel like I need to write again, that I need to have this kind of connection to the world. I haven’t been reading blogs or being social for a while now, so it feels a little creaky to get back into it. So we’ll see what we shall see.

Anyway, Hi!


It’s Saturday morning
December 20, 2008, 10:21 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Your four-wheel-drive vehicle does not actually mean you can safely drive at ridiculous speeds on slippery, snow-covered roads. All it means is that you might have an easier time driving yourself out of a snowy ditch.

Also, pie for breakfast is one of the best parts of being an adult.

December 14, 2008, 11:28 am
Filed under: Uncategorized


Since this blog was supposed to be, in part, a record of my children’s development, I suppose I should update that.

Squirt is tiny, only the 10th percentile in height and 20th in weight (still bigger than Peanut was at the same age, by far). She is both signing and talking. Her words, as follows:

mama and daddy

Kee-cat (kitty-cat, which is said for any fuzzy animal, especially squirrels)

dank-oo (thank you)

dat (that, she points and says dat when she wants you to name something)

amma (grandma)

ammy (grammy)


ah-el (bottle)


moooo (what does a cow say?)

baaaaa (what does a sheep say?)

She signs eat, more, milk

She hums  “you’re welcome”. She says a version of Peanut’s name and that of Peanut’s best friend.

She tries to brush her hair. She is learning to feed herself with a spoon. She can stack blocks 5 high, and put a series of stacking blocks inside each other. She can put the circle and the star shape in her shape sorter consistently the first time, and can usually do the square. She loves anything with buttons, and you cannot fool her with an old cell phone or remote with no batteries, or even a toy remote. She pets the cats gently, but I can’t get her to stop grabbing and squeezing the end of their tails (even getting swatted by one of them hasn’t discouraged her). She is much more of Daddy’s Girl lately, especially right after he gets home from a trip, and doesn’t want to let him out of her sight. She adores her big sister, who makes funny faces and noises at her while she squeals with laughter. She likes to wake Peanut up in the morning with squeals too. She will eat just about anything, but not every meal, her favorite stuff being savory foods. She sleeps 10-11 hours overnight, waking only when she is uncomfortable (like from teething) or cold, and then she usually goes right back to sleep. She is an enormously good-natured and happy girl, likes being around people and trying new things,  but she knows what she likes and doesn’t like and doesn’t hesitate to let you know.

Also, while I was away with Peanut, she started to walk 🙂

December 14, 2008, 11:01 am
Filed under: Disability, Peanut, Uncategorized


This last week has been pretty eventful for Peanut.

On Wednesday, she and I got on a plane and flew to Philadelphia, for a visit down to Wilmington to A.I.  Dupont-Nemours Children’s Hospital and their arthrogyrposis clinic. First, however, we took a train in to New York City to visit with Uncle Carlos*. Our timing was pretty bad, though, as it was pouring rain and cold, so we didn’t get to do as much as we wanted to do.

We started out at the American Museum of Natural History, so she could see the dinosaurs. After seeing how big the barosaurus and allosaurus was in real life, she was not so keen on seeing more. So we wandered around looking at the animal dioramas, with a brief detour into the Eastern Woodlands Indians room. Then she was getting tired, so we hit up the gift shop. There she fell, cracking her elbow on the marble floor. It seemed fine, if sore, so we pressed on into the rain to Rockefeller Center, to see the Big Tree. She really enjoyed seeing all the giant ornaments and nutcrackers decorating the buildings nearby.

It was raining and gusting wind, so that was about all we were going to do. We walked over to Times Square (it makes reading “A Cricket in Times Square” more interesting for her now) to show her all the lights, and saw the Charmin public bathrooms, Carlos and I wondering  just how hard-up we would have to be in order to take a job dressing up as a giant roll of toilet paper and standing in the rain outside a bathroom. Then we took the subway back to the train station. Peanut talked to a nice young woman we sat next to pretty much non-stop all the way back to the station, and we went home.

The next morning was the Please Touch Museum. We didn’t get as much time there as we wanted, partly because of morning pokey-ness and partly because of poor signage and interstate road on-ramp accidents (not us, thank goodness). We did get to see  a whole lot of downtown Philadelphia, though. She was ecstatic to play in the Alice in Wonderland exhibit, and rode the carousel. Then we drove to the appointment.

One of the reasons we decided to go back to the clinic is because she needs new braces, and are not and have not been happy with the braces she has gotten here. Her doctor is very good, but somehow there seems to be communication problems between him and all the allied professionals, and nobody has ever been able to get braces made that do what they need to do or that anyone was satisfied with. So I decided that we were done dicking around and we were going to see the doctors and have them made there.

The other concern is related to the braces, and it involves her right foot, the one that was clubbed and has been operated on. Her foot is “collapsing”, the talus bone moving far out of place and her ankle rolling in. Her doctor here told us as long as it was able to be braced that he wasn’t concerned about it. But it seemed to be getting worse, and that answer just wasn’t good enough for me.

They took x-rays of her feet and an ultrasound of her knees. Her kneecaps are all right, not placed exactly where they should be but close enough. The foot x-rays showed the foot collapse, and the team was very concerned about it. They felt that without proper bracing she would need another surgery, and may need one anyway. I said we’d been told she probably would anyway, and there was a pause before they said, “well, that was usually the case.” It turns out that proper bracing in these kids can prevent the need for more surgery. And she hasn’t had proper braces.

They were kind of surprised when I said, “you make them, and we’ll come back for them”, but I didn’t know what else to do. They don’t seem to understand what she needs here. Her PT here says they are so used to seeing kids with cerebral palsy, which causes some similar issues but is NOT the same and can’t be treated the same way, so it is hard for them to switch gears. Regardless, she was casted and picked out the new colors for her braces. They will be very different than what she has now, in good and bad ways. They’ll be lighter, which is good, but they’ll have less flexibility, which is good for her bones but bad for her independence. I will be okay with it because, as one of the team explained, it will mean the difference between wearing a brace on that leg her entire life and perhaps not needing it after she is done growing. Pretty easy choice, in my mind. She also got a new hand splint to go on her left hand and help stretch out the finger that is pinned down to her palm. She will only have to wear it at night.

Oh, and one last thing. Remember the fall she took? Yeah, she was still sore when she woke up, and didn’t want to straighten out her arm nor turn her hand palm-up. How convenient we were going to be seeing orthopedists that day! A couple of x-rays later, and she is sporting a bright pink splint on her right arm. They suspect a break, but couldn’t see one, so she needs to keep it still for a week or so. Poor kid, shuffling around with braces on both legs and a big plaster splint on one arm. Let me tell you how much fun it was getting around the airports and planes on the way home with a too-small stroller and a kid unable to use one hand or climb stairs.

Peanut is a very good traveler, and was good pretty much the whole time, falling apart really only on the way home. The next time will be only a trip to Wilmington and back, which will hopefully be much cheaper and way, way less rainy.

*Carlos is not really her uncle, but one of my oldest and dearest friends. I was visiting him when I met Big Daddy, so without him there wouldn’t be a Peanut.

November 24, 2008, 6:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Not only was I dealing with my grandpa’s memorial service and all the stuff around it last week, it seems I was suffering from a sinus infection and probably strep throat (didn’t bother testing ’cause I was getting antibiotics anyway). So that’s what happened to me. Anyway, I can now get pictures up on the blog! Woohoo! However, first I am going to give you a link to click on. We had some pictures done of the girls this weekend, and the photographer has a couple of them up on her blog. So if you are in the Madison area and need some photos done, please consider Lea Wolf. She has a wonderful way with kids, and as you can see, takes gorgeous photos, and for reasonable prices.

Win some, not others
November 17, 2008, 9:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I don’t know when we find out how we did in the Best Baby Boutique contest, but I can tell you who won something from me for voting. I numbered each post that voted, and Peanut chose a number, et voila! The ever elusive Mete won! Mete has a choice between a mama gift and a baby/kid gift, so email me. When she chooses, I’ll let you know what I’m sending. Hee! That was fun! I’d do it again except that I can’t really afford it…

Grandpa’s memorial is Friday. I think that we’ve decided that Peanut can come, since it isn’t a full-on service with a casket or anything.  More a gathering of family members to talk about the same old stories and how sad it is we don’t get together except at funerals anymore, you know how it is.  Still, this is a branch of the family that I really didn’t get to know until I was an adult, and they happen to be the nice branch of my father’s family (as opposed to the, well, I probably shouldn’t go there).

I miss my grandfather. But I’ve really missed him for a while, because he’d been in a decline for quite some time. So in a way, I’ve already grieved him. On the other hand, I can still feel his skin under my fingers as I stroked his hand that night, and the shape of his fingers against the sheets.

I’m so not paying for this wedding
November 14, 2008, 7:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I totally blew NaBloPoMo by not posting. I was deeply involved in genealogy stuff, and completely forgot.

But that’s ok! Because I didn’t have a good story until now, anyway.

So today I go to Peanut’s preschool for parent-teacher conferences. I go early, and get to sit down with them while they eat. Peanut sits next her her “boyfriend”, J. I help J with his lunchbox, and he thanks me by putting his hand on my stomach and asking, “Is there a baby in there?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Yes there is! There’s a lump there.”

“Well, there’s no baby, J.”

“Why is there a lump there?”

“That’s just how I’m built. There is no baby.”

He then reaches up, and grabs my breast. “But there’s a lump THERE!”

“J!” I grab his hands. “You know that touching a woman there is not ok. It is not ok to do that.”

I let go. He reaches up, this time to my face, and puts his finger on an acne cyst. “You have a red bump on your face.”

Aaaand then I got up and left.