Bad Mama

August 28, 2009, 9:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I realize I should probably be a little more detailed than in the previous post about the girls.

Squirt is 22 months old, and she is a delight. Easy-going and happy the majority of the time, she is also ridiculously stubborn and prone to drama-queen tantrums the Academy would fall over themselves to see. Once, she flung herself face-down on the floor sobbing, only to look up at me with an expression of horror and slowly bring her arm up, pointing directly at me, as in J’accuse! I had not known licking her Popsicle to keep it from dripping on the floor was going to be a defining moment in her childhood.

She is intentionally funny. She will purposely tell you the wrong color when naming things in a book, just so she can then say “Noooooo” and laugh uproariously. She really does love to dance, though her love of music is not as strong as her sister’s. She is constantly asking you to read to her, and when she isn’t, she’s reading to herself (apparently all her books actually say “Dog” on every page). We play this game that goes like this: “Mama?” “Yes, Squirt?” “Hi.” Over and over again. She talks on the phone to us quite nicely. If you ask her how she’s doing, she answers “Fine”. She is usually smiling and giggling, and still blonde, sleeps pretty well, and is the perfect advertisement for having a child. Or more children.

Peanut is…well, she’s fantastic. Kindergarten starts on Tuesday, and we went to the open house yesterday, where she discovered a tidy cabinet full of dress-up clothes, so she’s all set. She is disappointed her boyfriend will not be there (yes, she’s had the same boyfriend for two years now, longer than any relationship I had prior to my marriage), but is excited about making new friends and learning new things. She has been in Fairytale Ballet class (which I highly recommend if you live in the area–unlike some others we called, they didn’t even blink at accomodating her and the dancers get to dress up in costumes in every class!), and she is moving very well. Her biggest limitation right now is her inability to get up and down off the floor without a wall or something else to pull up on, partially because she’s lost so much range in her knees since her original surgery.

She still loves princesses, play-acting, singing and dancing. She recognizes operas and ballets by the music, and she has her father’s ability to remember songs after only hearing them once or twice. She’s still very afraid of the dark, but not of pictures of weird bugs or internal organs. She’s learning to read a bit (she’s never seemed to feel the need before, after all, we read to her whenever she wants) and can do some simple math (we haven’t really taught her, I don’t know where she learned it–she has her great-grandfathers’ genes in her, it seems). She is smart as a whip, and her teachers noted that she is impossible to bullshit, of which I am tremendously proud. She’s always been a bit melancholy, and I see it more now, with the tension that’s been in our house and the stress of all the changes going on.  But mostly she too is good-natured and pleasant to be around.

(A recent bon mot: We were discussing what she wanted for lunch, and she was thinking about it, then announced she was ready and wanted a bowl of cereal. I said all right, I’ll get it, and attempted to finish typing the email I was working on. There was a pause, and then she said, “Then why am I not seeing you move?” I was too busy laughing to scold her for being a smart-ass).

And finally, she has started questioning her disability. I have been searching for the right things to say to her since she was born, but I still don’t have the answers. She hates having braces, hates them, why do some kids have to have braces and wheelchairs? Why does she have to have them? Nobody should have to have them! All I can do is agree that it sucks, it’s not fair at all, and no, no one should have to have braces or a wheelchair. And then, and I don’t know how helpful this is, I try to point out to her what she does have. Not in a “you should be grateful” kind of way, but more of a “let’s balance this out a bit” kind of way. You can’t jump, but you know big words that other kids don’t know. You have scars on your legs, but really, they are kind of cool, aren’t they?  I don’t know what else to do or say, because she’s right, about all of it. It does suck, it’s not fair, no one should have to go through it, least of all a little kid. I am supposedly grown, and I don’t understand it, so how can I expect her to?

So that’s it. Next will be some pictures!


Where I attempt to explain
August 27, 2009, 12:08 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve been wanting to post here for a while now, but have been stuck for what to say. Not because nothing has gone on, oh no. But how to explain it, mostly, has been the sticking point.

Big Daddy and I have been having some problems with our relationship, and we’ve had some big financial issues as well. We are, well, sort of seperated. It was hard to write when I felt like there was so little that was positive going on.

The reasons for the seperation aren’t really important, except to say it isn’t because he’s some giant asshole. I still love him more than any man in the world, and we want to make things work out. It’s just going to take a while, if it works at all. I’ve been feeling so tremendously guilty about this. If I am willing to die for my children, why can’t I manage to simply get along with their father so that they have an intact family? I know it’s not that simple, but it seems like two people who love each other and want to be together ought to be able to get it together and do just that. Peanut tells us we just need to get along. “Just stop fighting” is her advice.

Outside of this, we are doing well. Peanut is starting Kindergarten next week, and is very excited. She has met some of the other kids that will be in her class, and the girls like princesses as much as she does, so she’s raring to go. Squirt is thriving. She loves to dance, can count to ten, and is learning her letters. She still prefers to sleep with a book over a stuffed animal most of the time. The girls adore each other 98% of the time, and are a treat to watch. When I get some photos uploaded, I will post them. Because that’s what everyone is here for, right?

I don’t know what direction this blog will take now. I don’t feel like airing my marital dirty laundry to the world, but that’s kind of what my life is about now. It feels odd to not share something that is affecting us so dramatically. But I also feel like I need to write again, that I need to have this kind of connection to the world. I haven’t been reading blogs or being social for a while now, so it feels a little creaky to get back into it. So we’ll see what we shall see.

Anyway, Hi!